The Magnificat, September 2020
Dear St. Mary’s Church and friends,
A toddler throws his bowl of spaghetti on the floor—again. One morning you notice your teenager snuck out of the house last night. Your granddaughter, when asked to clean up after herself, responds to you in a way that isn’t just disrespectful but downright mean. What do you do? The now-conventional wisdom is that, whatever you do, you shouldn’t punish them. There are lots of ideas swirling around these days about how children should be raised, and most of it is actually pretty good. But there’s a subtle shift that’s happened, where adults who are responsible for children—parents, grandparents, teachers, daycare workers—are told not to punish bad behavior, but instead there should be “consequences.” Really, it’s just a change of words, but words matter and “punishment” can be surprisingly useful. However, I hope this is helpful beyond the world of child-rearing. Ultimately, I think this shines a light on the way your Heavenly Father is involved in your life, bringing you up to maturity and making you strong in him.
A kid won’t clean up his toys, and a parent decides to take away the toys rather than give a spanking. There are points in favor of calling this a “consequence.” The word encourages grownups to be upfront about outcomes. It helps take a lot of the heat and passion out of the discipline. It puts a focus on the responsibility of the young person for her own actions. It tries to grapple with the natural outcomes of a child’s decisions, so learning can happen. All good stuff. But when experts talk about the dangers of punishment, it ends up being a caricature. They just lump in all of the bad things. One defender of this paradigm shift writes: “Punishments are often unrelated to the behavior problem and they may be severe in nature. Sometimes, they’re meant to shame or humiliate children.” Often … may be … sometimes. Even so, one could just as easily distinguish good punishment from bad punishment, gentle from harsh, wise from unreasonable, loving from abusive. Taking the toys away just is a form of punishment, even though it might also be gentle, wise, and loving.
I can’t help but suspect that what grownups are really afraid of is children being mad at them. Many books for parents discourage even consequences. Instead they urge “connection.” This is one of the biggest fears surrounding punishment, that it leads to emotional distance and resentment. Certainly, punishment can do that, especially if that’s all a child ever gets. Punishment can be unduly fueled by anger, rather than a loving desire to correct. It can subtly send the message to a child that her standing in the grownup’s love is unstable. I worry, though, that part of the allure of consequences is that the grownup can say, “Hey, don’t get mad at me. These are the consequences of your decisions.” The young person shouldn’t be angry at the adult anymore than a traveler running late should be angry at the airline steward.
Contrary to what the experts are saying, though, if a parent has to clamor for moments of connection, there’s already a problem. Connection should be the warp and woof of a family’s life together. Punishment isn’t the problem. TV and cellphones are the problem. The love of adults for children should be abundant, something the children abide in, even as Jesus abides in the love of his Father. There should be stability in that grace and acceptance, so that when correction is what’s needed the relationship isn’t hanging in the balance. Then punishment can find it’s proper place.
It’s good that children learn responsibility, but the advantage of the word “punishment” is it helps grownups lead the way by taking responsibility for their own part. They aren’t just bureaucrats along for the ride, following protocol. They are actively involved, exercising judgment, paying attention to what particular situations call for, often showing mercy, sometimes drawing hard lines. Children shouldn’t be abandoned to a cold, lifeless world of consequences. Instead, it should be clear that there is someone who is for them, acting on their behalf, whose responsibility opens up the possibility of their own.
What makes it difficult for us grownups to do this for others—for children or for anyone—is that it hasn’t been done for us. The Good News is that you have a Heavenly Father, and he isn’t co-dependent. He’s not afraid of you being angry at him. When you go astray, he’ll discipline you. He’s also gentle and patient and sweet. It’s his joy to be with you. He’ll speak his delight into your heart, but he’s not going to flatter you. In short, he is involved in our life in a way that brings us up to maturity. More and more, he is making us at St. Mary’s Church to be men and women after his own heart.
Yours in the Lord,
Stephen+
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